


human traditions

by tardisdaddy



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alcohol, Asphyxiation, F/F, SO SORRY, Smut, but apparently i felt the need to write a bit of plot first, but yeah, ish? idk?, like okay so the laddies in the sinful discord wanted me to write smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-03 03:06:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16754857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tardisdaddy/pseuds/tardisdaddy
Summary: Yasmin Khan was a mess - she's lonely, scared and needs someone to hold. She had found love in the dark before with a stranger; this should be no different.





	1. involuntary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically, there are some thirsty thasmin fans on discord so this is for you lads xo

The air felt quite solemn as the doors to the TARDIS closed. Everyone’s eyes glanced up to the wall, the bewildered faces of James and Willa were shown on the screen which stirred a slight chuckle from the team as they disappeared out of their sight. It was one of the best bits. Like when you finish a book but the ending isn’t quite finished. Leaving two people who may never have met with a shared secret. Being able to watch that happen was just fantastic. “Alright then, gang... Wow, I really need to pick a name for us. Team TARDIS is good but it’s a helluva lot of syllables. Especially when you’re drenched from head to foot.”

Yaz watched as The Doctor jogged up to the console, removing her still damp coat and chucking it at thin air. It felt to the floor with a small clatter and Graham rolled his eyes. “Well that won’t dry it, Doc. I’ll go hang it up then, shall I?" Graham's sense of humor always tickled The Doctor. She was over 2,000 years old and he had an absolutely marvelous way of telling her off. However, it didn't seem to stir its usual smile. "Anyone fancy a cuppa?” The question was met with a frenzy of smiles and nods but Yaz was still concerned. The Doctor hadn’t looked her in the eye since they had left which was more than unusual. If she could count on anything, it was the looks of support that they often shared after long adventures - it was a way of checking in with the other person to make sure everything was right as rain. Her eyes rolled over The Doctor who was busying herself with fictional work as she hammered away at the console. She looked upset. More upset than she would ever let on. Yaz pulled in a breath and in an instant, her stomach rolled. Thoughts of The Doctor in chains being forced into harsh waters flooded her mind and immediate dread filled her body. It becomes quickly apparent that that is probably the reason that The Doctor looked the way she did. She just looked so completely alone; as though no words would ever be able to touch her. 

“I would have jumped in,” Yaz near enough yells out of nowhere. Or at least it probably felt like nowhere to everyone else in the console room. Graham took that as his cue to leave as he picked the coat up and left to his teas maid duties. The Doctor still stared at the center console as she pretended to press very important buttons.

“No point in both of us getting wet, was there?” She said, The Doctor's voice sounding as cold as that water had looked. Her leg was jogging furiously and it was impossible not to notice. It was at this point that Ryan began to feel a little guilty. After all, The Doctor had risked her life for a total stranger. They were supposed to be mates. But he didn't know what to say to make that fact any better now. Instead, he watched as Yaz made her way up to the console.

“I wanted to. I think if it had gone- no, I know. I know if it had gone on any longer then I would have..” Yaz words were getting tangled in her throat as she thought back to the scene. They had run from monsters and aliens and people but she had never felt so afraid as she did at that moment. Her feet felt embedded in the mud. Like she had been rooted in the soil by one of those tendrils. She just couldn’t move. Even the words leaving her lips were feeble because she was busy counting the seconds that were passing. “I’m sorry I let you down.”

The Doctor lifted her gaze up to meet Yaz. Looking at her felt so different. Each and every glance between them felt loaded. Like every second that passed, Yaz knew more about this fantastic woman who had fallen from the stars and brought them to her. Ryan then proceeded to form a rambled apology about how he had “never been the best at swimmin’” but did succeed in swaying James into pulling her up. The Doctor turned her head and offered a soft smile to Ryan. He was just so young. Or at least, he seemed it next to Yaz. It wasn't that he was immature. If anything, he had suffered and seen more than Yaz had but there was still this fantastic sense of childlike wonderment that surrounded him. But right now, he looked upset, but unlike with Yaz, it would be easy to fix. 

“It’s really alright, Ryan. Promise. In fact... 25 points to both of you for staying brave.” Ryan beamed at her. Her gaze was drawn back to Yaz who still looked heartbroken. Graham called for another pair of hands to help with the tea and Ryan leaped down the hallway to his aid. Even the TARDIS quietened as if to tease the silence into forcing them to talk. “You could have been killed,” Yaz whispers, eyes pleading with her for some kind of intimacy. “Nah, I wouldn’t have let that happen." The Doctor said, trying to lighten the mood a little, but Yaz quickly trampled that down. 

“I could have let that happen!” Yaz spits out, her words coming out like shattered pieces of her heart. “I should have done something! I’m trained for this, to save people. It’s my fucking _job_.” The Doctor just watched as she unraveled in front of her and she kicked herself for letting it get this far. There was no denying that they shared something special however much they avoided the topic. “Do you understand how hard it is thinking you’re about to watch someone you-!”

“ _Don’t."_ Yaz froze. "I’m warning you. Do _not_ walk that road with me, Yasmin Khan." Pain coursed through The Doctor's veins. Her eyes stung and her hearts seemed to clatter against each other as her voice became louder and more hurtful. "You have _no right_ to stand here and claim that I don’t know pain. I have watched millions of people die in front of me, sometimes because of me and I have watched people who I love just...” The Doctor’s face was flushed and her hair looked messy. Yaz immediately regretted her words and ran a hand through her own wild hair. She shook her head and gazed down at the ground.

“I didn’t mean- I just-.” Her voice cut into The Doctor’s and they both hushed as Yaz reached out and touched The Doctor’s arm. Suddenly, the TARDIS made a loud whirring noise and both their eyes moved to the center console. A spark flew from a small piece of wiring just shy to the left of them and without thinking, Yaz shifted her grasp from the top of The Doctor’s arm smoothly into her hand. The Doctor flicked up a few buttons and the whirring subsided slightly. They let go and their eyes met again. There were no apologies needed there. They had both overreacted.

"Teas up!" Graham called out, and their eyes stayed locked on one another. There were no words. Yaz was the first to let go and the regret was present in her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak and instead, The Doctor grabbed both of her hands and pulled them close in for a hug. It wasn't something they did, really, but it was something that was needed today. She wrapped her arms around Yaz tightly and felt her relax into her. Tears shuddered through her companion and The Doctor stroked her hair. Graham came around the corner but with a quick look at the scenario, he made himself scarce. "It's okay- Shh, Yaz. It's alright..." The Doctor soothed as she felt the girl just melt into her. This was just so wrong. It shouldn't have got this far. They were just getting closer and closer and soon, it would be too much. It was too late now though. Yaz had laid out her feelings for The Doctor plain and simple. It was now her job to stop anything from happening. Perhaps holding her like she's the only person in the world who matters wasn't the best way to do that. Her grip softened slightly and she looks down. Yaz had her eyes closed and the side of her face pressed against The Doctor's chest. Her heart rate definitely quickened at the prospect of Yaz being able to hear and, in response, Yaz opened her eyes. It was a wonder the brunette hadn't gone deaf, The Doctor's hearts were pounding so hard. Their eyes met and The Doctor found herself trying to lock away every single thought and feeling that she held for this young woman.

"We are okay, you and me." The Doctor said, her voice so much softer now. Yaz let herself peel off the other woman and she swiftly wiped away at any tears that had fallen. "Come on, we are Yaz and The Doctor - the most fabled duo in the whole galaxy!" Her eyes were now full of wonderment rather than woe, and The Doctor drank it in. Her hands found Yaz' shoulders and she gave them a small squeeze. "I know you would have done anything to keep me safe, Yaz. Thank you. You get an extra 50 points for just being you, but don't tell Ryan."

Yaz closed her eyes and attempted to compose herself once more. She figured that one day they would talk through their feelings, but it probably wouldn't be today. She offered a soft smile and The Doctor winked. "I think it's time for tea, don't you?"

"Only if you bring the biscuits," Yaz added with a wink, before letting out an exhausted and slightly snotty laugh.

"Are you flirting with me, Yasmin Khan?"

"I wouldn't even know how to, Doctor."

\-----------------

That afternoon went by quicker than anticipated. They debriefed the goings-on of their witchy adventure and once the air had cleared, everyone felt much better. The lingering eye contact between Yaz and The Doctor had returned, Graham was back to his old antics and as usual, Ryan remained oblivious to pretty much everything. Time was always something that passed oddly in the TARDIS. Yaz had her watch set to GMT Earth Time, which helped her keep her bearings but sometimes they completely disregarded "real time" and just slept when they had time. The evening was swiftly drawing to a close, yawns peppering the small room in which they had all congregated. It was like a little living room, really. There was a multi-media center type thing on one of the sections of the wall that Ryan was often glued to, there was a small kitchen area that was fully equipped with tea and cereal making materials and there were also a few squishy seats that had been grown from the floor of the TARDIS. But now, the pride of place in the middle of the room was a large, purple sofa. Yaz had bought it when The Doctor mentioned her adoration of ordinary things - however, by far the best moment of purchasing it was when the delivery men arrived and watched as the petite, excitable blonde grabbed a hold of it and moved the entirety of the sofa into a small, blue box. The look on their faces was worth the cost of the sofa about four times over. 

It was also decreed throughout the land that only The Doctor and Yaz got to sit on the sofa because a) it was The Doctor's sofa and b) she only wanted to share it with the person who had bought her the gift in the first place. They were sat together chatting nonsense as the boys finished streaming a game of footie. "I swear the best part about time travel is knowing that West Ham will never win the Premier League." Ryan teased and Graham huffed. 

"Oi, watch it, you..." He warned and Ryan tossed a lazy wink over to Yaz. The Doctor caught it and ignored the ripple of jealous that shot down to the pit of her stomach. Yaz scrunched her face up and let a giggle slip through her lips and it wound The Doctor up even more.

"Right then, definitely time to go to bed, don't you think, Yaz?" The Doctor said, hopping up from the sofa and not really thinking about how terribly she had phrased the sentence. Graham looked perplexed, Yaz looked red and Ryan let out a large explosive laugh. "What?" The Doctor then challenged, eyes shooting over to Ryan once more. Yaz had taken a stand by her side and decided to take control of the situation. 

"That's obviously not what she meant, _Ryan._ " Yaz said, practically sticking her tongue out as she spoke. 

"Hey, whatever you say, Yasmin. I just didn't know she was your type. Although you fancied Danny Biswas, so who knows..." Yaz walked sternly towards him and he just laughed again. "Okay, okayyyy.. I'm sorry." She poked him softly in the ribs and Ryan let out an involuntary giggle. Yaz's eyes went wide with excitement, whilst Ryan's went wide with fear. The next five minutes consisted of the most dangerous tickle fight in all the universe. Ryan may have been tall, but Yaz was a Police Officer - she knew how to restrain someone. The Doctor kicked herself for making a mental note of that. By the time the war was over, Yaz and Ryan were both next to each over in fits of laughter on the floor, Graham had given up and gone to bed, and The Doctor was just sat on the sofa, watching this two idiots make each other laugh. Humans. So odd. So perfect. 

"Is this a normal thing to do, or are you two just a bit strange?" The Doctor asked, standing up slowly and assuming that she wasn't going to be tickle-attacked any time soon. Ryan laughed and shook his head.

"Nah, we're just both a bit dopey." Ryan sat up and held his hand out to Yaz who was still spread out on the floor. She gracefully took his hand and hopped up before giving him a quick high five. The Doctor looked confused again.

"I never got why you do that. Humans, I mean. I don't think I've ever seen another species high five each other when they do something."

"Could be worse, at least I didn't slap her on the butt. Some people do that instead of a high five and I think it's a bit odd." Ryan said, slowly heading towards the door. The Doctor's face scrunched up even more and Yaz took this as her opportunity to pounce.

"You know.." Yaz started, walking to the side of The Doctor, shooting a subtle wink at Ryan. "Like this." 

_Smack._

The loud sound echoed around the small room. It ran through Yaz as if she had just had a bucket of water thrown over her head. Ryan's eyes widened. The Doctor's mouth just hung open as all three of them exchanged looks. Her face was scarlet. It wasn't the sound of Yaz's hand hitting The Doctor's ass that had shuddered the room to a complete halt, rather, it was the loud, involuntary moan that had left the Time Lord's lips because of it. Ryan let out a large laugh and just as Yaz went to hit him, he had bolted out of the room. 

Yaz looked at The Doctor.

The Doctor looked at Yaz.

Their cheeks both burned and all words seemed to have evacuated both of them. 

If they thought the silence when they were fighting was deafening then they had reached a whole new level of quiet. Yaz could just hear the noise that had shot from The Doctor in a loop over and over again in her head, and with each replay, her cheeks flooded with fire. Her hand was tingling lightly. The Doctor just looked about ready to combust. 

"I need to go." She mumbled quickly, running a hand through her short mop of blonde hair before pushing passed Yaz and bolting down the hallway. Yaz wanted to yell out, she really did, but again she found herself stuck. Completely mesmerized and unable to move. Planted in the ground of the TARDIS. It took about three minutes for Yaz to find the courage to move her feet. Her head was just spinning with so many things - she and The Doctor had a complicated relationship as it was and it felt like she'd just thrown a copy of 50 Shades into the mix. Sure, a smack on the ass was nothing in Yaz's books but she wasn't even sure The Doctor had any feelings like that. And now that she clearly did, there was about to be a change in the dynamic between them. It didn't matter now that perhaps The Doctor didn't want to have feelings for Yaz. It happens. No big deal. But the fact that she definitely just moaned at her hand was a complete game changer. A new kind of energy filled Yaz once her thoughts processed. If there was one thing she was sure of it was that tonight Yasmin Khan was going to make this woman hers. 


	2. year from hell

Yaz had never been the most confident person. Her family had taken care of that by constantly comparing her to her younger sister and older cousins. Her mum, in particular, had an immense way of making feel worthless. Her only escape was school. A chance to step away from their small flat (a different one to their one now but still just as small) and into a new world of learning. She loved school and even loved it when she went from Primary to Secondary. Year 7, 8 and 9 practically flew by - she excelled in English and Science; Maths could screw itself. It wasn’t until Year 10 that things got tricky. Yaz could feel herself becoming older and small stuff started to become more and more important. Somehow she had acquired a solid group of friends but sadly, Yaz managed to fuck that all up. She began to notice her best friend’s smile more and more. They hung out practically every day at school and then went back to her house until dinner time when she would reluctantly skulk back to her family. She was also the only person that Yaz had come out to. Obviously, being her best mate, she didn’t care. Yaz was still Yaz. 

What came next was a few exceptionally messy months. Of course she had fallen in love with her best mate. That’s what happens; after all, she’d seen Glee. The summer of Year 9 hit and Yaz couldn't take the occasional days they spent apart. Her best friend noticed. They talked every single day and found any excuse they could to see the other one. They started hugging more and staying apart from each other less. They watched scary movies and held hands and before they knew it, they spent their days together kissing wherever they couldn’t be seen. School hit and they just kept everything secret. But it wasn't in a horrible way - they both decided it was for the best, and Yaz was quite shy. Anything that drew attention to herself was Yaz' idea of hell. However, it did get harder. They had become so comfortable with one another and hiding that from their friends was difficult. 

New Year's Eve came and her best-friend-turned-girlfriend hosted a party. Sure, they were far too young to drink and yet the whole house was still littered with teens out of their mind on WKD, Smirnoff Ice and Dark Fruits. The minute countdown started and every single second was like a shard of glass to Yaz’s stomach as she watched her best-friend-turned-girlfriend get closer to some random guy. Yaz couldn’t take it. They had discussed making this night their own. They had been dating in secret for nearly three months now and even if they didn’t use this moment to come out together, they were going to sneak off and bring in the new year holding one another. 

Thirty seconds to a new year and Yaz made her mind up. She stormed over to her, grabbed her hand and tore her away from the random guy. Her girlfriend said nothing as she hurtled up the stairs with her and took her into her room. She ushered some horny kids out and slammed the door shut. 

“I wasn’t going to kiss him.” Izzy breathed. She looked devastated. Yaz offered her a sympathetic smile and sat next to her on her bed. 

“I didn’t say anything,” Yaz mumbled, moving her hand to push away a small wisp of blonde hair that was lying on Izzy’s cheek. It was her turn to offer a soft smile. Yaz cupped her face and brushed her thumb against her cheekbone. The sound of people counting down from ten filled the room and Yaz’s heart pounded. Izzy just smiled at her. 

“I’m sorry we aren’t doing this downstairs. I’m just not ready for that yet.”

“I think I’m falling for you.” Yaz breathed, and just as the sound of cheering filled the air, they crashed into a frenzied kiss. The door swung open and Yaz felt her whole body be shifted. Shouting filled the air. Izzy’s parents had found out about the party and were now ripping into Yaz. Her dad had picked her up by the stomach and Yaz kicked and screamed to no avail. Izzy protested but for all the wrong reasons. Said that Yaz had just started kissing her out of nowhere. Yaz screamed again and cried and soon found herself sobbing on the curb outside Izzy’s house. 

The year from hell. It started at exactly midnight on New Years Day. Word got around the school pretty quickly about the perverted lesbian, Yasmin Khan. Sonya found out and of course, told Yaz’s parents. Her dad understood but was always working and never really had time to spare. Yaz’s mum didn’t cope well at all and now, not even school was her safe space. She had fallen in love and lost everything. Her school wasn’t huge so she saw Izzy every day. The worst part about it was that she didn’t even tease her. She didn’t suddenly become this huge bully. She was still just Izzy. Her beautiful blue eyes met her in corridors and class amidst the taunting and laughter by the people she used to believe were her friends. She was terrified of herself and it was just easier to put Yaz in front of the headlights. They never spoke again. 

Yaz didn’t date anyone else. She stuck with school. She studied hard and battled her way through. Nights alone in her room were spent crying into textbooks and coursework just begging for it to go in. She got eight A*’s , three A’s and one B (maths). Instead of Sixth Form, she went to college. Only a few people from her school followed suit but even in a few years, things were different. She found a couple of solid mates and was open with them from the get-go. The second she turned 18, Yaz had become aquatinted with a good few bars and clubs. She studied hard for her exams but found herself much more comfortable with herself after dark. She discovered that love wasn’t what she wanted - it was intimacy. And finding intimacy with strangers was easy. 

Something about the coloured lights and heavy sounds of the club that traveled through the walls of a club bathroom helped her to lose herself in strangers. She found more and more queer women in Sheffield who shared the same opinion. It felt like Yaz was living two completely different lives. On the one hand, she was busting her ass to get through her first year. On the other, she found herself tangled up in her chosen lover as they fucked the night away. It was after leaving one of her favourite bars from her latest fuck that Yaz found some kind of enlightenment. She was sat in a puddle and ended up talking to a young woman who was patrolling the area. She was a police officer. It kind of seemed to click that although Yaz was studying to get into uni, she has no idea what she wanted to do and somehow, sat in a puddle, it was obvious. Luckily, she hadn’t been drunk that night. She spoke with the young officer and just kept asking her questions about being on the force. An hour in, she had realised that she was now off the clock. Within three, they were in a hotel room, clinging onto sheets and skin. 

Yaz never told anyone that she had decided she needed to help people who were in danger at the point of orgasm. She dropped out of college, stopped going out drinking and joined the force. It was at this moment, standing in the TARDIS that she knew what needed to happen. She didn’t even knock on The Doctor’s door. Yaz held her head high and walked calmly into the dark room. A large four poster bed was in the middle of the room but that was pretty much it. Yaz smirked as she looked over the bed, but her eyes were soon drawn up to the ceiling - or at least, the lack thereof. It was made from glass. Above them, lay stars. Thousands upon thousands of stars. She walked closer to the bed and The Doctor lay with her head looking up to the stars.

"You shouldn't be in here. I should have put one of those "do not disturb" signs that you get in human hotels on the handle. Can you pretend I did and leave, please?" The Doctor said. Her voice sounded dry and Yaz pushed down everything. They needed this. Fuck feelings, they weren't needed. It wouldn't work out between them but just some tension relief would do them the world of good.

"Have you ever had sex, Doctor?" Yaz asked arms crossed as she stood at the foot of the bed. The Doctor shot upright and looked Yaz dead in the eye. Her eyes looked sore and red and thin streaks of tears had faded against her flush cheeks. 

"What?" Her voice cracked as she bore her eyes into the young woman. "Of course I have. I mean, not that it's any of your business at all. Look, I know I reacted to you but that doesn't mean anything. It just surprised me. I don't often get surprised! It was nice!- no, I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was..." She was speechless and Yaz was lapping it up. Yaz could feel herself slipping back into that dark and lonely eighteen-year-old who was seeking some kind of pleasure from a complete stranger. That's what The Doctor was. She was just this fantastic stranger.

"Stop." Yaz demanded. "If you want me to stop, you say ' _Stop_ ' and I will."

The Doctor scrunched her face up and inside, Yaz could feel herself screaming at herself to cut it out. To stop trying to be bold. To just be the Yaz that The Doctor wants. But she can't - how can they when neither of them knows what that would consist of. That didn't mean that her face scrunch wasn't the cutest thing she had ever seen. Yaz lurched forward, over the footboard and on top of The Doctor. Her hands fisted at The Doctor's blonde hair as their lips met in a messy kiss. She pulled away within seconds just to ensure that what they were doing was consensual and The Doctor met her own lips with fervor. The Doctor's hands safely found Yaz's waist and Yaz took that opportunity to flip them so that The Doctor was on her back. Yaz's thigh leg fell between The Doctor's thighs- she leaned keenly into her and as she moaned, Yaz took that opportunity to slip her tongue into her lover's mouth. Her lips moved onto The Doctor's neck and moans continued to slip from her mouth as she dragged her teeth from the woman's collarbone and up to her ear. Yaz took her earlobe into her mouth and felt the blonde melt underneath her. Her hands pushed down onto her hips to ensure that it was clear who was in charge. 

"We... _gods,_ we really shouldn't-..." The Doctors words were just getting lost in the dark sky above them.

" _Say. Stop. Then._ " A part of Yaz wanted her to. This woman wasn't just some stranger. The Doctor whimpered as each word fell into her with a hard suck to her neck as she desperately fumbled to find something to hang onto. Yaz pushed the yellow braces from The Doctor's shoulders, pulled her up a little to untuck her t-shirt from her trousers and quickly began to undo her zip. She wanted to take her clothes off and slow down but she didn't know how - that's not what she did. There was no need to make this tender. Her hand pushed down to meet no underwear. She stopped her kissing and met The Doctor's dark eyes. She could see stars in them. They were lit by moonlight and it should have been the most fantastically romantic moment between them. Instead, The Doctor arched back into the bed and keened Yaz' hand closer to her. Her fingers were immediately met with arousal and it took nothing to slip her fingers into the woman. Her hand left hand pushed up to The Doctor's neck and smirked as she whimpered. _If she thought getting slapped on the ass was good, then there were probably harsher things that she could do to make The Doctor's head spin._ Her grip gently tightened around her neck and as she pushed harshly into the woman, she let go of her neck.

"Fuck, _Yaz._.." Yaz had never heard The Doctor swear. It sounded so fucking good. Her thumb gently swirled around her lover's clit as she continued to alter pressure with both of her hands. She could hear her moans getting louder and now her own were slipping softly from her lips. Yaz moved her left hand from around her neck and pulled herself closer to the woman. "Yaz, I'm sorry but I don't... oh _fuck."_ There was that word again. "Do you have feelings for me?" The Doctor gasped and Yaz stopped her movements. Her fingers were surrounded by this woman and she felt like she couldn't breathe.

"Does it even _matter?_ " Yas panted, her head buried in the woman's neck. 

"Of course it does," The Doctor whispered, slipping her hands up to Yaz's face and just looking at her. It was a moment of their intense stares that they both relished in. "Nothing else matters to me." Her thumbs ran over Yaz's cheekbones and embarrassment flooded her hot cheeks. She fought the stupid tears that seemed to tease her eyes and she ripped her fingers from the other woman. The Doctor shuddered below her and Yaz whimpered. 

"I can't have feelings for you and you can't have feelings for me," Yaz whispered, moving her fingers up to her lips and running her tongue over the wetness that soaked them. "But I can do this. We can do this. Just this, just us... just..." She felt like she was begging. All power seemed to be quickly escaping her. 

"If we are doing this.." The Doctor shifted under the younger woman and pulled her t-shirt off her small frame, followed by the long white base layer and lastly, her bra. Yaz gulped and dragged her eyes up over her. The Doctor moved her hips and Yaz shifted off. She removed her trousers and then looked up at Yaz. Yaz removed her own clothes slowly and just watched as The Doctor drank her in. "I'm going to make sure we both remember, okay." 

Yaz nodded and put herself back on top of the other woman. Yaz knew that there would be no force on this Earth that could let her forget this feeling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who's been dropping kudos and writing comments - love u gays x


	3. inevitable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally thank u to everyone for being nice lmao love u gays xo

Heavy breathing filled the thin air as they let their bodies adjust to being against one another. The cool air in the room had caused goosebumps to roll up each of the women; they shuddered slightly against one another and let the warmth of their skin pull them closer together. "Do you want to get under the covers?" The Doctor whispered, her eyes safely sticking to looking into Yaz's. Her face was flushed and her bottom lip was slowly being knawed at by her nerves. It was the most vulnerable The Doctor had ever looked - her biggest fear and challenge; feeling free enough to love without fearing loss and heartbreak. She needed this as much as Yaz did. Yaz pulled in a shaky breath and gave the blonde woman a small nod as they shifted and pulled the duvet over them. They felt immediately warmer as they huddled down into one another and the large blanket. Their eyes just stayed locked together. None of the words in either of their vocabularies would have fit the moment. Yaz was the bravest of the two. They were lying facing one another, legs slightly tangled together. She picked up her arm that was awkwardly resting against her slide and moved it over to The Doctor's face. She cupped it lightly and smiled as The Doctor's eyes fluttered shut at the touch. Thick strands of hair had fallen onto her face and Yaz tenderly moved each piece, tucking it behind her ear. The Doctor lightly grazed the palm of Yaz's hand with a tender kiss before resting her head back against the warmth of the hand that held her. 

Yaz was completely out of her comfort zone. She didn't feel in control; she felt exposed. Her heart was lashing against her internal organs and her breathing was fast. The Doctor let the edges of her lips curl slightly, a light smile attempting to put the young woman at ease. The Doctor moved her own hand from by her side and delicately placed it against Yaz's chest. Each heartbeat kissed Yaz's fingertips. She shifted closer and let her head dip against Yaz's, closing her eyes and drawing in a long breath. "If you don't want it to be like this with us, then we need this to end. I can't promise that this is going to change how we are with one another. It would be unfair to you. You know that we can't- it just wouldn't work." Yaz's heart was trying to speak for her but The Doctor interrupted. "We can just lie here... if you like. Look up at the stars. Enjoy being intimate without... you know." Yaz shook her head and pulled away.

"I need you just as much as you need me, Doctor."

"I can't keep you safe."

"I'm not asking you to."

"I can't pretend I don't care about you."

"I'm not asking you to do that either."

Yaz slid both of her hands into The Doctor's hair and automatically shifted against her. Their lips met once again but this actually felt like their first real kiss. They moved beautifully together, slipping against each other and the sheets that surrounded them. Yaz took this as her moment to prove her confidence. She sat up and straddled the beautiful woman. Her core pressed against her, hot wetness coating The Doctor. Yaz placed moved her hands down onto The Doctor's waist, sliding slowly up towards the woman's chest. Her eyes shifted from The Doctor's for the first time and took a breath to just _look_ at this magnificent person. Her body was slim and warm against her touch. Each dip and curve that made up this woman imprinted itself into Yaz's brain. The Doctor gulped as she shyly glanced up to watch Yaz. Her body was dark under the covers, shadows covering the majority of her but it was clear that she was perfect. She was perfect with clothes on, it was hardly a surprise. They kept their speed slow but before they knew it, Yaz had found her hand between The Doctor's legs once more. This time she teased the woman. Watched as each gentle movement affected each breath and noise that her lover made. Yaz gasped as The Doctor found her way between her own, and she swore she even saw the woman smirk.

"Together?" The Doctor suggested against her lips and Yaz whimpered in response as they pushed into one another. Slow movements elicited moans, gasps, and names from lips. They kissed passionately as they moved together. It was evident that Yaz was getting close and The Doctor could feel it too - her face was flushed and her breathing had quickened. Gently, she hooked her fingers inside Yaz and a moan ripped through her as The Doctor gently rubbed her g-spot. Yaz mirrored her actions and The Doctor bit down on her lip to stop herself from screaming. That was something she hadn't experienced before and she was so glad that she was feeling it with Yaz. 

" _Fuck,_ Doctor. Please, I-..." 

"I know, Yaz. Me too. Just let go with me, okay? Let go."

Their moans escalated as they both picked up their pace, messy kisses pushing them closer and closer to the edge. Yaz held on for dear life. The second she let go, the second they had to pretend that there was nothing to hold on to. "Yaz..." The Doctor whimpered into her ear and Yaz moaned. " _Come for me."_ She whispered. The Doctor felt the woman tense against her body and it was enough to send her over the edge with her. They both begged for _faster_ or _harder_ or just _more_ as they came together, their sweaty bodies shifting desperately into one another. Both women collapsed in a mess together. Panting filled the air as they lay side by side. Their eyes both looked up towards the stars. 

_Yep, that had_ definitely _made things easier,_ Yaz thought to herself as she slowly closed her eyes. She lifted her hand up to her lips and slowly sucked off The Doctor's warmth; the moan that came from beside Yaz radiated against her. She lolled her head to the side and opened her eyes to the dazed Time Lord. "Do you know that you taste like cinnamon?" Yaz asked, attempting to enter gently into the silence. The Doctor shook her head and blushed. Yaz bit her lip and moved her middle finger to meet The Doctor's lips. Timidly, The Doctor moved her tongue over her own wetness and slowly Yaz pushed her finger forward. She watched as the woman sucked lightly on the digit before Yaz slipped it away. She so wasn't done with this woman. She moved quickly again, pushing her lips greedily into The Doctor. 

The room seemed to blur for them both as Yaz moved from the bed and grabbed her jeans. She reached into the back pocket of them, and within seconds, chained The Doctor to the bed. "What are you doing?" The Doctor breathed. Yaz bit her lip and watched the air fill and slip from the naked woman.

"I'm letting go," said Yaz, pushing The Doctor's legs apart. She was going to fuck this woman until she forgot not to love her. 

\--------------

Even when you're traveling in time, the morning finds you. It always catches you eventually. Stars began to fade as the sky painted itself to life. Pinks and blues kissed above them as The Doctor just begged for everything Yaz could give her. They eventually passed out in a mess together. An hours sleep fed them both and when Yaz awoke first, she took it upon herself to remove herself from the situation. The only thing that Yaz left in the room were the marks she had gifted to The Doctor's skin and the metal handcuffs that dangled from the bedposts. The Doctor was wrapped up in the duvet and Yaz appreciated her pretending not to notice when she left.

Yaz slipped out of the room, down the hall and into her bathroom. Hot water ran from the natural spring and Yaz let the sound of water splashing against her skin covering her soft sobs. Yeah, this was definitely much better. Warm water rolled over her skin but it couldn't wash away her touch. It never would. Behind her eyelids, she could see them loving one another. Her ears rang with the moans of her own name that had been pressed against her. But today was a new day. Once the shower water was off, that was it over. She wrapped herself up in a towel and hopped down to her own room. Clothes covered her own marks and in five minutes, she made herself into their living space. The Doctor was sat on a side in the kitchen, swinging her legs joyfully as she listened to Ryan explain this "absolutely mental" dream he had. The Doctor made a remark about how little sleep she had gained from the night. Yaz greeted them and let her eyes forget how to linger on The Doctor. Graham offered a warm mug of tea to Yaz. She took it gratefully and finally braved a look up to The Doctor. "How did you sleep, Yaz? In the end?"

All eyes in the room found the quiet woman as she sipped her tea quietly. "I spent the night star-gazing," Yaz said softly, running a hand through her wet hair. "but I wouldn't have had it any other way." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mean like that's probably the end??? but like probably not because i do love me some angst


	4. shut up, stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so um it turns out i wasn't finished and there's more angst and sexiiiitimes to come??? idk enjoy
> 
> (set directly after It Takes You Away)

A whole universe of mirrors and grief had infiltrated the souls of each of the travelers that evening. The feeling of wet cave walls still lingering on Yaz’s fingertips and the smell of dampened woodland still seemed to fill the air within the TARDIS. It tapped against the metal and intertwined around wires and levers to tease fresh memories of the day that was haunting them. They had made their way into the living area just for a change of space - no one was in a hurry to get moving just yet, and they definitely needed to rest before they did anyway. The boys were sitting on the seats by the media center. Yaz looked over to Graham who was staring into the eyes of nothingness. He just looked so small. Ryan was sat beside him, trying to deduct his grandad’s thoughts as he held a cup of tea close to his chest.

Yaz noticed The Doctor was also looking at the boys; more specifically, Graham. Her eyes seemed completely lost in him, which Yaz annoyingly found somewhat comical. This fantastically compassionate woman was gazing so powerfully at this man, but at the same time, was sitting on the kitchen counter. Her legs were swinging as she slowly lifted spoonfuls of strawberry mousse into her mouth. Yaz couldn’t help the soft smile that formed on her lips while she slowly let her eyes trace over the woman. They hadn’t spoken about the night they spent together, but the situation was getting worse. There was a nagging feeling that was trying to breathe between Yaz’s limbs and bones. Words that were heavy and attempting to set up camp in her stomach. After all, it was The Doctor who said she wasn’t going to deny her feelings. Yaz had said nothing of the sort

They had physically stepped through a portal and entered a world that encased temptation. A world that provided a feeling of longing that coupled with the person you need most. The realisation that when Yaz fell into this universe of promises that the temptation for her was stood by her side made her feel sick. They had promised that their night was over and the days that followed would be spent as friends; nothing more. It took The Doctor even less time to realise this too but when their eyes met, Yaz’s heart shot back to the stars. The feeling of heat and the sounds of heavy breathing whilst they held one another flashed over her and The Doctor saw every moment of it, before spinning around and effortlessly saving all of their lives once more. And there they were, avoiding those long looks again. Distracting themselves with grief and strawberry mousse.

Yaz pulled in a breath and slowly stood up. “I’m off to bed. Night, boys…” She breathed. Ryan nodded back to her but Graham didn’t even notice her speak. He continued to stare out towards a wall, blinking slowly. Yaz turned her head and captured The Doctor’s gaze as she dropped her spoon into the empty plastic pot.  
  
“Goodnight, Doctor.” She chirped, offering her a smile bigger than she wanted to. A sad smile was returned to her as The Doctor hopped off the counter and approached her slowly. Her hands were digging into her pockets as she casually strolled towards Yaz. Except her eyes dragged along the floor, instead up clinching onto Yaz’s like normal. She seemed to shuffle closer and Yaz took a step back. The Doctor’s eyes shot up and Yaz offered another gentle smile.

“I’m heading that way to grab a few things from the control room, I’ll head out with you. See you lot tomorrow?” The Doctor said, gesturing over to the boys who offered a nod. “ _Talk to him!_ ” She mouthed over to Ryan who pulled a frustrated face before conceding.

He pulled in a breath and turned to his grandad. Cursing his awkwardness, he shuffled his body about a bit, opening and then closing his mouth a few times before finally starting; “So that weren’t exactly fun, was it?”

\------------------

They walked in silence, eyes forward as their home around them began feeling emptier than ever. An endless ship holding them captive in timelessness. Yaz reached her door and pressed her hand into the wood. The Doctor had settled her back against the wall beside the entrance and Yaz closed her eyes. “Bit heavy? I should probably fix that. Wouldn’t want you getting arm ache from opening too many heavy doors.” The Doctor joked dryly as their eyes captured one another. Her hand fell and Yaz’s sigh fell thickly between them. The blonde offered a genuine smile, but it was quickly declined by Yaz. Her smile faded.

“There was no one in there for me, Doctor; and nobody for you either,” Yaz stated. The look on her face that she was currently sharing with the blonde was not one to be proud of her. Her eyes were dark and she was breathing heavy, but it wasn’t lust that filled her. It was denial. It was an irritation. It was some kind of hurt and anger, and it was overflowing.

“You and I both know not to believe that.” The Doctor’s voice was low but her gaze didn’t falter. Yaz’s mouth opened and closed a few times as she shook her head.

“Don’t talk to me like that!” she bit back. Panic became evident in the eyes of The Doctor. Hurt flashed across her face and she adjusted her body language to try and contain some kind of power. Her hands now sat on the top of her thighs rather than deep into her pockets and she pulled in a brave breathe. Yaz really had no idea how much of a big deal it was that The Doctor continued.

“I _told_ you... I can’t pretend that I don’t care about you.” Her eyes were closed and Yaz just wanted to collapse to the floor and sob. Yaz’s bottom lip wobbled involuntarily at the sight but she soon tightened her jaw. “You are so special and I have lost _so many people.”_ The Doctor’s voice cracked on that last word and Yaz gulped again. Her head was swimming. Why was this so difficult? Why wouldn’t just accept the words falling from this beautiful woman?

“I want you to take me home tomorrow.”

“No.” The Doctor’s blunt tone pushing into Yaz. She moved her back from against the wall and invaded Yaz’s space. The smell of stardust and tropical fruit filled the air but Yaz just dug her eyes further into heartbreak. “You don’t get to do that- You don’t get to just... Just get to _not_!” The Doctor choked. Being this exposed felt unnatural. “I have never let myself open up enough to someone like this. I have heard more ‘I love you’s’ than I have said, and I won’t do that anymore.”

“Then you better take me home before you realise that I’m not worth it.”

 _“What?_ ”

“I can’t be the person you decide to be open with, Doctor. Take me home tomorrow.” Yaz pushed the door and quickly put it between them. The Doctor moved her hand to the door and banged her fist against it.

“Yasmin Khan, you open up right this instant!” She yelled, feeling like a child throwing a tantrum. Her contact with the door sent vibrations through the wood that was paced against Yaz’s back. Upon slamming the door shut, she had slid down it as tears stole her breath. Her knees were pulled up tightly against her chest as she sobbed, hands balled as she slammed them into her thighs. The Doctor’s hurt voice reverberated through the door as she yelled back a final “Fine!”. Yaz continued to scream her pain into her room. Her hands found her face as she ignored the tears and dug her palms into her eyes. The rest of her night was spent this way until exhaustion found her. The blonde forced her way into her dreams and Yaz resisted. She knew it meant The Doctor was thinking about her.

“ _Low level psychic… Good innit? Comes in handy more than you think. Quick, pick a number between one an- FOUR! That’s right, I’m right, aren’ I?”_

Such a simple memory shunted through her body and she sat bolt upright. A loud noise seemed to surround her and light flooded into vision. Her eyes felt sore and her chest felt tight. But she wasn’t in the TARDIS. She was home, in Sheffield. In her bed. Her door creaked open and her mum poked her head through it, holding a cup of tea and managing to pull that face that sent Yaz back to being in trouble at school. “So you decided to come back then?” Najia said, sipping her tea as she eyed her daughter up.  
  
“The Doctor said you weren’t feeling too well and felt you would be more comfortable at home.” Her mother’s voice always sounded the same when talking to Yaz. She was always a combination of shyness and disappointment. Yaz was just trying to understand how she had ended up in her bed. 

“Well I’m fine- wait, you spoke to her?” Yaz grumbled, rubbing her eyes and attempting to pull herself up from her bed. It felt cold. She needed a cup of tea and to change out of yesterday’s clothes into some fresh ones.

“Yes, I did.” Najia sipped her tea and shrugged. Apparently, that discussion was now closed as her mother left the room. Her mind cast back to last night and then suddenly remembered how she had gotten to her current position.

\------------------

“Oh, I have missed this!” The Doctor groaned as she slammed a small rubber mallet against the console to mash a couple of buttons as they landed. Graham just stared at her as she faked her usual grin. He could see right through this woman. She dropped the mallet to the ground and span in a daze. “RIght, Yaz wanted a few days at home and so that’s what she’s going to get. Hope you don’t mind, Graham, I fancy a few days on my own too.” The Doctor said, plonking her hands on her hips. Graham raised an eyebrow. “What? Do I have something on my face?” The Doctor said, eyes wide as she immediately shot her fingers up to touch her cheek. “Here?”

“I heard you two last night. You and Yaz.”

Her smile faded, eyes keeping the wide expression. “What’?”

“And then you stormed into here and started grumbling about mechanics and making small controlled fires.”

“Right. Well, anyway. Home for a few days?”

“Okay, Doc. Shall I go and wake-”

“No."

The Doctor left Graham, passing Ryan in the hallway who offered her a goofy grin. He high fived her because apparently “they were trying to include The Doctor in more human stuff”. She chuckled to calm her dread and as she walked towards Yaz’s room, the door clicked open. Her footsteps stilled but no one appeared.

“Was that you?” The Doctor asked her TARDIS and sighed as it quietly chimed. “Right.”

She crept towards the door and slowly pushed it open. Yaz hadn’t even made it into her bed. The brunette was asleep in the middle of her floor, curled up tightly. Her space buns were stuck out in all directions and there were dry streaks of tears that stained her face. The Doctor suppressed a sob. Without even thinking, she bent over the woman. She brushed a small piece of fallen hair from her closed eyes and gulped. Her arm slid under her neck and she scooped her up slowly into her arms. The Doctor used her other arm to hook under Yaz’s knees and as she rose slowly, the woman began to stir.

“Shh…” The Doctor said, softly as she pressed a tender kiss that ran into Yaz’s long, dark hair. She cradled her close and moved from her room and into the main console room. Graham was still stood, a look of sorrow in his eyes as he watched the women, but it was a look that The Doctor dodged. Her eyes focused on Yaz in her arms. She pushed her back slowly into the TARDIS doors and they fell open. They had landed in what The Doctor assumed to be Yaz’s room. Slowly, she lowered the woman into her bed. Yaz must have barely slept because she didn’t react at all as she made contact with her mattress. The Doctor nodded and just as she was heading back into The TARDIS, Yaz’s door opened.

Her eyes met with that of her mum and The Doctor offered her a small smile. “Yaz’s mum!” The Doctor stage-whispered.

“Najia.” The woman corrected, but her face looked soft. “What are you doing here?”

“Yaz wasn’t feeling great, I think she’s just a little bit homesick.” Her face scrunched up as Najia nodded.

“So this was fun?” The Doctor said, attempting to leave but Najia was too quick.

“You are seeing my daughter, then.” The Doctor simply sighed. Mothers were notoriously tough to lie to. But it was a complicated answer. She remembered what Yaz had said about how her mother felt about her sexuality and felt it would be better to just make it as clear and simple as possible.

“I have feelings for her, but they are not mutual. That’s why I bought her home. I need to clear my head.” Her voice sounded blank, and her face gave nothing away. “I’ll come by tomorrow and see how she’s doing if you don’t mind?”

“Tomorrow’s hardly enough time to clear your head if that’s what you’re feeling.”  
  
“Tomorrow is a lifetime for me, Najia.”

Yaz looked as though she was stirring and The Doctor took that as her cue to leave. She nodded at the woman and glanced one last time at the beautiful woman who lay so peacefully. Najia sighed and The Doctor looked back up. She rolled her lips tightly over themselves and slowly nodded as she turned away and walked back into the TARDIS. Graham had been joined by Ryan, both of whom now looked perplexed. “Do you lads know anywhere to get a fried egg sandwich?” She asked, her normal personality seeming to return as she jogged up to the center console, tapped at a few buttons and then harshly kicked it. The boys looked up at her at the action and she looked at them. “I could murder a fried egg sandwich right about now.”

Najia watched as the blue box evaporated out of sight and didn’t even get a moment to enjoy it as her daughter shot bolt upright in her bed.

\------------------

Yaz spent the rest of the day feeling guilty. Her mother had continued to hound her with questions about The Doctor, her dad just asked how she was feeling and, of course, Sonya just maintained that Yaz was on drugs. When it became clear that The Doctor had no intentions of coming back that day, Yaz knew what she needed to do. By the time 8:30pm had rolled around, Yaz was storming out of the door. Her leather jacket hung tightly to her arms and her hair was curled loosely, cascading naturally down her shoulders. Spits of rain fell onto her jacket and Yaz looked up. Small stars flickered above her and it made her annoyed. She just wished that they would shut up.

Within half an hour, she was exactly where she needed to be. A glass was tipped against her lips as she poured the cool drink down her. Then another followed, shortly by another. A pool table sat in the middle of the bar, where another girl in a leather was leaning broodily. Their eyes met and Yaz smirked. She turned back to the bar, produced two pints and walked towards the woman. “Mags. It’s been a while. Drink it quick, I don’t wanna stay sober alone.” Maggie laughed and gratefully took the drink from Yaz, keeping eye contact as she drank the pint in one. Yaz smirked.

“How are you feeling about everything?” Yaz asked, gesturing to the bartender to pour another two drinks as she took large gulps from her own.

“About the same as you, I think,” Maggie responded as she watched Yaz practically inhale a pint of cider. Yaz pulled a face at the sheer quantity of drink that she had just consumed and let out a laugh.

“At least I didn’t have to move to another country to avoid my ex.”

“Watch it, Khan.”

Yaz just smiled. Tonight was going to be good.

They laughed and drank and touched one another in the dark confines of the bar before heading back to Maggie’s. Once again, it was easy. She’d known Maggie just under a year, transferring from the force from the US and they had become fast friends. Even though Yaz was really just sorting out parking disputes, they both loved beer, pool, and the occasional one night stand. Yaz hated how easy it was to fuck her. Neither of them cared. It was all teeth and scratches and slaps, but it worked. It made them happy enough for a few hours and stopped them from dealing with their own shit.

The rest of the night went by in a heated blur and waking up in the morning, Yaz felt reality hit her. Usually, sleeping with Maggie made her feel better; they were both dominant and spent their drunken evenings competing to make the other come harder than the previous. But this morning was drenched in guilt and coffee. She had left Maggie’s feeling both heavy and empty, with only one thing on her mind; and who knows where she was. Yaz clutched her coffee tightly as she dipped into her pocket and slipped out her phone. Tapping out a message to Ryan as she walked down a street that was far too bright, a voice greeted her.

“I can give you a fresh start if that’s what you want here.” Yaz stilled her typing and winced as she looked up into the hazel eyes of the cause of her guilt-ridden conscience. “I was gonna buy flowers because, well, flowers are beautiful but it’s all a bit- look, I basically have no idea what you want. No idea. I don’t do relationships, Yaz. Not ever. But this life is my fresh start. I can’t keep watching people I love leave without me telling them; it just, it doesn’t work anymore. At least, I don’t think it does. But I don’t think I know what you want. If you don’t want any of this?” The Doctor gestured at the space between them and Yaz felt like she was going to throw up. “Then that’s fine. We can be mates. Best mates. I’m so good at being someone's mate. I had a proper mate once, Donna. Awh, she was ace… anyway, look, the point is… You can have it. Whatever you want from me, you can have it.”

Yaz looked at The Doctor up and down. This woman was holding out everything for her to see. Everything Yaz had ever needed was there in front of her - someone who loved her enough to give her the stars and then immerse themselves in between them. But there were no stars here. No dark. Just blazing sunlight that pushed its way into The Doctor’s untamed blonde hair as she excitedly looked at Yaz.

“I slept with someone.”

The dark came sooner than either of them anticipated.


	5. yesterdays makep

The cars that sped past provided a welcome amount of noise. The city was rushing around full of people who needed to deal with their own problems as Yaz and The Doctor attempted to face theirs. Yaz couldn’t look The Doctor in the eye. The Doctor refused to look anywhere else. A broken “ _ oh _ ” fell from her lips and seemed to skitter off into the road and be swallowed by the noise of a Peugeot 206.    
  
“Okay... Right then!” The Doctor clapped her hands together and Yaz cringed at the sound. “So, I was thinking we could go and say hello to some old friends of mine. I owe them a visit. How do you fancy heading to Camelot?” The Doctor’s face has brightened up considerably. “Maybe we could get you some tablets for your head, you look like someone’s walloped you one.” Yaz just stared at her. Hollow eyes stared back but a smile brighter than any of the stars she had ever seen was attempting to put her at ease.    
  
“I’m sorry, Doctor.” Yaz pleaded but the woman grabbed her arms.    
  
“Listen to me, Yasmin Khan. I asked what you wanted. It’s obviously not this and that’s okay, I just needed to know.” Her thumbs were rubbing up and down on against her leather jacket and it felt like it was burning through to her skin. The Doctor’s eyes looked shiny and the smile that she had produced seemed somewhat watered down now, but it felt more real. She was processing and dealing with it. Yaz nodded and pulled in a large breath. The cool air crept down her throat and made her cough. Her head felt like it was full of rocks. The Doctor reached her hand out to meet Yaz’s upper arm as she continued to cough and chuckled slightly. “Let’s get back to the TARDIS. Graham and Ryan’ll be back soon and I don’t trust them alone with her.” 

It was at that point that Yaz decided that she had been a complete and utter idiot. Every feeling that she had once harbored for Izzy seemed to emerge inside her stomach like ivy across her chest and weave in between her bones. Except suppressing this feeling was down to her. Personal relationships just didn’t work for her; it was for the best that she dealt with them this way. At least like this, she wouldn’t be able to let anyone down. Yaz let herself feel this way. Pushing herself up against Maggie in the dark was simpler than being exposed in the light by someone that she cared about. The Doctor was this impossible being. She was holding her arm and encouraging her to walk as she rambled about her friends in Camelot, which although Yaz should be trying to understand, couldn’t. It felt like the pressure was building up again and there was no way of releasing it.

She felt like she had just cheated on her partner; she had just completely allowed herself to splinter the only important part of her life. The universe was nothing without The Doctor. Guilt riddled her as they walked down the street towards the TARDIS which was perched on a street corner. Some kids were leaning against it eating some chips and The Doctor laughed. It was so light and easy. 

She increased her speed and Yaz let go as she half-skipped over to the kids. She reached into one of the boy’s bag of chips and gratefully shoved it into her mouth. The grin that was full of mashed chips made the boys cringe and walk away and The Doctor pouted. She looked around at her and Yaz just wanted to cry. This woman was perfect and she had completely ruined their relationship - whatever it was supposed to be at this time. 

“Her name was Maggie.” Yaz’s voice cracked at the words and The Doctor swallowed. Her lips became a thin line that settled like dust against her pale face. She whipped back around and pushed the TARDIS doors open. 

“She’s a police officer..” Yaz continued as she picked up her pace and forced her legs to stand beside the blonde who had now made her way up to the center console. “...and sometimes we… we _get together._ We both have our own weird relationship problems and we lean on the other person. I was drunk and stupid, _yeah,_ but I made the decision to get drunk and...” The Doctor mashed a couple of buttons and stared at the screen on the wall. She looked as though she was burning. 

“You really don’t have to-”

“No, I do. After everything you’ve done for me, Doctor.” The Doctor spun on her heels and challenged Yaz with her own stare.

“You’re my friend, Yaz. I would do anything for you.”

Her words hung in the cool air and Yaz winced as a sharp pain forced its way behind her eyes. The Doctor furrowed her brow. “Can I just…” Her voice was quiet and the noise from the TARDIS seemed to whisk the words away. The Doctor lifted her hands tentatively up to Yaz’s face. Her warm fingers slipped up her flushed cheeks to her temples. Yaz closed her eyes. She immediately felt less lonely, but vulnerability flooded her.

“Woah, woah, woah..” The Doctor mumbled. Yaz’s brain felt like it was full of sirens and The Doctor was just walking around, making her way through and checking Yaz over. Yaz closed some doors but left others open. She shared as much as she felt she was able but it felt like her headache was melting away with each item that she managed to share. Her mind started to wander and with each passing moment, she thought back. It was completely involuntarily and Yaz had no idea what triggered it. She thought of arched backs, warm bodies, and moans. But they weren’t falling from The Doctor. They were thoughts of strangers in clubs, or hotels or of Maggie. The Doctor shot her hands away and Yaz felt her heart fill with hurt. “Doctor, I-.”

“No, I shouldn’t have- I was just trying to help, I didn’t mean to see that, it wasn’t…”

Something filled Yaz and it burst from deep within her. Tears flooded her eyes and she let out a sob. She fell against one of the crystalised, orange, glowing pillars and her hands shot up to her face as she shook her head. “I’m sorry, I need- I’m sorry, I can’t…” Her breathing was ragged and hurt seemed to shake out of her with each trembling cry.

The Doctor was with her in less than a breath. She gently touched Yaz, checking that she would be okay with the contact. When she was sure, The Doctor pulled her close. She wrapped her arms around Yaz’s waist and held her as she shook. “It’s okay. I understand.” The Doctor sighed. She was trying to carefully choose her words to make sure that the words that came out didn’t add to Yaz’s pain. “You’re only human, Yaz. You make mistakes. We all make mistakes and... You just need to figure out who you are.”

“But I shouldn’t be this person!” Yaz gasped through a harsh cry. “I don’t even know who I am! I am so... I’m so messed up.” Their eyes met and Yaz bit her lip to stop it from wobbling. Last nights makeup was smudged now and thin streaks of tears painted her cheeks. The Doctor said nothing. “I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to do any of it. Yaz’s vision was hazy as she lifted her arm and wiped some tears away with her leather sleeve. The Doctor was in front of her, comforting and strong. “I’m just so sorry.” Her voice was soft now and her chest felt tight but The Doctor still looked at her like she had created galaxies. 

“That’s the beauty of this thing, you know.” The Doctor said gently. Her voice felt still and calm, like a lake under moonlight. Her face glowed with beautiful oranges and blues as the ship softly quietly serenaded them. “In here you get to decide who you want to be.” The Doctor slowly moved her hand and slid it into Yaz’s, interlocking their fingers as she rubbed her thumb lightly on the skin it met there. Yaz’s heart was hammering in her chest and her stomach was rolling which was only partially due to her alcohol consumption the previous night.

“You can be brave, or a coward. You can be strong, or weak. You can love, or not. That’s not my decision to make. It’s just my job to let you be whoever you think you might get to be.” The Doctor eased. Yaz found herself shifting under her touch. The column against her back was warming her through her jacket and it almost felt as though the TARDIS was letting Yaz know that she was rooting for her. Yaz let her head sag back against it. The Doctor bought their tangled hands up to her mouth and loudly kissed Yaz’s warm skin. The kiss echoed around the room and Yaz allowed a laugh to slip from her. “No rush.” The Doctor said, dropping their hands and hopping up towards the console. 

“I want to love,” Yaz said quietly, eyes gazing straight ahead but not really focused on anything. The Doctor’s eyes were locked to Yaz. “That’s all I know.”

The Doctor smiled.

Yaz smiled too. 

“Right then. That settles it. To infinity and beyond!” The Doctor beamed, pulling down a lever as Yaz cackled.

“Oh my god,  _ never  _ say that again!” 

The Doctor pouted. Yaz laughed. 

“What about Ryan and Graham?”

“They already know how to love; it’s time we spent a bit of time making sure that you can too. It’s only fair. Evens up the playing field a bit.” The Doctor said softly as Yaz bit back a smile. “I’d have a wash though first if I were you. No one’s gonna love you lookin’ like that…” The Doctor said, gesturing to yesterdays makeup that was smudged across Yaz's face and her messed up hair. 

Yaz frowned and looked down at herself. 

“Actually, annoyingly, that’s not true…” The Doctor commented and Yaz shot her eyes up. The Doctor met her gaze and pulled a face.  “Actually, forget my ‘actually’, shower’s that way…” She said, pointing over her shoulder with a wild smile. 

“You should join me.”

“You should be so lucky. Go on, see you in ten, yeah? Can’t wait for you to see Camelot - spoiler alert, it smells. Ooh, we could dress up! I’ll get something ready for you and then we’ll head out. Oh Yaz, you’re gonna love this.”

Yaz had no doubt of that. The year was nearly over and by the end of it, she knew where she wanted to be at midnight. “See you in ten, Doctor.”

“Can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope these soft idiots make u smile
> 
> sexitimes r a comin'


End file.
